Can You Truly Know Someones Intentions
I got talking with someone recently who revealed that they've simply spent over a year – that would be over 365 days – researching what they idea may be their ex'south issues, because they wanted to clarify whether he had a 'condition' that they could pivot his behaviour in their unavailable relationship on. Aside from a misappropriation of energy that would be better spent on herself, you exercise accept to wonder why it'south so of import to practically get a Ph.D in another person but and then that y'all can balance assured that their behaviour wasn't intentional?
If immersing yourself in researching another person and working upwardly a diagnosis is familiar to yous, there comes a point when you have to have an honest conversation nigh what it is that you're trying to achieve and more importantly trying to avoid, considering unless you're going to utilize the insights you lot gain from looking at your human relationship and the deportment and mentality of another person to ultimately gain a better understanding of yourself and use the lessons learned, why bother?
At that place's likewise some other type of enquiry project you might undertake – proving to yourself and the other person that even if they like to think that information technology was y'all that did 'all' of the chasing or had 'all' of the problems, that you take show that suggests otherwise that you lot'll exist 'presenting' to them.
Now I get it, considering quite frankly, it gets on my tits when people rewrite history and attempt to make out like it was one mode traffic that had nothing whatsoever to exercise with annihilation they said or did, or that every person who doesn't bound to their beat out or has needs is a "psycho", or even claiming that any issues in the relationship were the mistake of the other party. You lot tin can go caught up in seeking a retraction, telling them all about themselves, and fifty-fifty trying to tell others, just there hopefully comes a signal when you recognise that the point of knowing the truth is to set yourself free with it, not to clobber the other person with it and tie them to a chair to force-feed them reality.
Y'all can investigate what someone's intentions were, although really, information technology's like trying to crawl inside their brain and command the uncontrollable. Yous can also play Columbo and have your hunch and spend an 'episode' of your life working your way through clues and trying to catch them out while pretending to exist absentminded in a dirty mac and a cigar.
It'due south all almost the net event though – when all is said and done and you wait at reality which is reflected in how the human relationship currently stands (not what you'd like it to be or who you lot think they could be if just they realised the potential you've forecast), or you look back on how things were, what exercise yous have?
A common relationship with dear, care, trust, respect, shared values, plus the landmarks (commitment, progression, residuum, intimacy an consistency)? Or a messy mix of illusions, pedestal building, fleeting highs, and crushing lows with someone that you claim amazing 'chemistry', 'connection', and that you take "and then much in mutual" with?
When all is said and done, it's not almost proving what someone's intentions were – the results speak for themselves.
Intentions are all almost doing something with conscious purpose – whether a grownup does something intentionally or not is by the by, particularly when it's non a ane off and contextually forms role of a torso of evidence that suggests that whether they do something on purpose or not, they do not accept the integrity, conscientiousness and level of personal responsibility that could ever add upwardly to being function of a healthy mutual relationship.
It is up to each of the states as individuals to evidence what our intentions are with ACTION, so don't waste your time trying to prove theirs.
What we do and don't do (or say and don't say) impacts others. If you are not inclined to act responsibly both with yourself and others and you lot are even at conflict with values you profess to have, your mentality, actions and what comes out of your mouth will be out of sync.
Hard as it may be to hear, office of the reason why information technology tin exist attractive to get a Ph.D in someone else and pin a condition on them, is because 1) it's avoidance of addressing your own behaviour, two) a vacation from having to actually make your own life your purpose, and more than importantly, 3) giving yourself an opt out, because if you can say that something wasn't intentional, you lot can exist tempted to play Florence Nightingale once again, or at least believe that you are helpless and that everything was outside of your command.
If you're going to investigate the crappola out of someone, at least relate what you discover back to you lot, non so that you lot blame yourself but and so that you can gain insight about why they were bonny to you, or whether you are catering to a dynamic due to unhealthy behaviour on your ain function. Information technology'due south likewise important to mind the topline data so that you can get to the bottom line – information technology was unhealthy, or yous were incompatible, or any, so this relation-ship could not canvas.
Ironically, if you have been in an unavailable human relationship and you're going around proverb that all emotionally unavailable people are narcissistic or are suffering with undiagnosed mental problems that you've spent your fourth dimension and energy googling, you're casting a stone at yourself, because unavailable people get involved with unavailable people. Nobody who is genuinely bachelor spends a significant portion of their time and free energy involved in one of these relationships or researching the other party.
And yeah, you could go to neat lengths to prove that it wasn't all y'all and that on June ninth 1989 they said Ten or April 17th 2011 they did Y, every bit if "Ha! I've got you sucker! You think y'all can human activity like this whole thing was in my imagination or that I've been doing all the pursuing? Recollect again! I've got proof! At present what take you lot got to say for yourself?"
As is oftentimes the example when you tell someone all about themselves, you'll either be met with silence, a blank "What the frickin' what?" stare, aggression, or them marking your cards as a "psycho" or even a "stalker".
Convincing and candidature isn't attractive – the person whose intentions yous're trying to prove or who you're trying to prove as 'wrong', is going to believe whatsoever they want to, so all they're going to do, is take their intentions and cock upward some other human relationship, or remain deluded and proceed winding up in the aforementioned situations with their delusions.
You on the other hand, if you're willing to look at the net event and grow out of the lessons you larn from understanding why yous stayed and continued once it became axiomatic, actually get to avoid repeating the aforementioned issues. The longer you spend investigating or proving, the farther y'all are away from this.
Your thoughts?
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
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Source: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-you-really-need-to-investigate-what-someones-intentions-were-or-prove-that-youre-right/
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